Too Close for Me, Too Far for You – Closeness and Distance in Important Relationships

Let’s talk about relationships. Tricky things, aren’t they? Sometimes, it can feel like there is a constant struggle to balance time together and time away. If you have ever felt this struggle, you are in good company.

We are intrinsically connection-based beings. At birth, we are reliant on others to satisfy our needs, so closeness is extremely important to our survival; we require this close connection for optimal growth. As we mature, we become more independent of our caregivers. While we still require connection, we begin to develop a need for separation as well. This separation is a healthy and necessary part of growing up. By the time we are school-aged, we are usually ready to spend time outside of our parental connections for a substantial amount of time. At this time, we become ready to form new relationships outside of our parental connections. This is when the Closeness-Distance Cycle begins to become an important part of the conversation.

It is important to recognize our Closeness-Distance Cycle. For some of us, the cycle is quite short, perhaps a day or so, meaning we need only a short amount of time to pass before we feel the need to reconnect to feel safe and secure in the relationship. For others, the cycle is much longer, so much more time can go by before we begin to feel the same level of insecurity. So, what happens if we are not given enough space in-between times of connection? We begin to feel irritable and may even accuse our partner of “smothering” us with their neediness. Not surprisingly, this can lead to the other partner feeling anxious in the relationship, fearing the other person is pulling away – does this sound familiar? If it does, it is likely the person you are thinking about has a different Closeness-Distance Cycle from you. It is not necessarily that they are overly needy or pulling away; it means that they are attempting to fulfill their own need for security through their cycle, as are you.

Now, as I alluded to above, this pattern isn’t just found in intimate partner relationships; this pattern informs our connections with friends and family as well. If you are a caregiver or parent with more than one child, it is important to understand that each of our children is likely to have different needs for closeness and distance. Some will need a close connection every day, whereas others may need some space in between. This is the same with friendships. Some of us feel the urge to check in via text or phone call every day, which is great if your friend has the same cycle as you. If not, it may be overwhelming for the receiver.

So, what to do with this information? If you are feeling anxious in your relationship – intimate or otherwise – it may be helpful to sit down with the other person and have a heart-to-heart conversation. Letting them know what your needs are, and listening to what their needs are, so a compromise can be found. Perhaps your partner who needs more time between connections is wanting to spend a weekend away, which makes you feel anxious. In this situation, spending time away would satisfy their needs, and a quick phone call at a specified time in the evenings would satisfy your shorter cycle. Whatever your Closeness-Distance Cycle is, be honest with yourself and the people you love, and invite them to be honest with you; this will make for the strongest connections and clear communication.