Kindness and Boundaries - Can They Coexist?
“For empaths who lack boundaries, it is all about serving others, no matter the cost.”
Have you ever been accused of being too kind or labeled a people pleaser? Is it challenging to say “no” when someone asks something of you (even if that something is objectively ridiculous?)? If you are nodding your head to any of this so far, then chances are you could be an empath with no clear boundaries.
What exactly is an “empath”? As you might infer, this term refers to good-natured people who have a habit of wearing their hearts on their sleeves and are naturally in tune with the feelings of others. These are beautiful qualities to have! And yet, without clearly defined boundaries, it can be tricky for these well-meaning individuals to navigate relationships in a way that honours their dignity. For empaths who lack boundaries, it is all about serving others, no matter the cost. Where does this urge to please come from? Typically, this urge to appease others stems from family dynamics that develop early in life. For those that have experienced adverse childhood experiences, people pleasing is a form of self-preservation (I.e., if I can make people happy, then no one will get mad and hurt me). A once necessary coping strategy in childhood becomes unhealthy in later relationships. Serving the larger group is a cultural norm for others, and putting your individual needs before the group may have been perceived as rude or impolite. Whatever the case, being a “yes” person, being unable to decline another’s request can be exhausting and lead to resentment. In no time, you may begin believing that the person making these requests of you is rude or intentionally trying to upset you. But here’s the hard truth: if you do not let others know your boundaries, they will likely keep asking until you tell them to stop. In their eyes, you may be perfectly okay with taking on such a heavy load. On the other hand, there are also people in this world that will happily take advantage of people pleasers. They will target individuals who tend to empathize, show kindness, and have difficulty saying no. If this is you, proceed with caution!
So, where does one start if setting boundaries seems like an uncomfortable thing to do? First, remind yourself that establishing clearly defined and reasonable boundaries is a very kind act for you and those you have relationships with. It makes it clear to everyone involved what your expectations are and what you are reasonably willing to do. Communicating these boundaries leaves less room for miscommunication or confusion within the conversation. Here are a few tips to consider when defining your boundaries with others:
• How are you feeling, and what do you need? Boundaries ensure respect and dignity. Asking yourself what your feelings are and what you need is a great place to start. For instance, if the other person has used hurtful language towards you, let them know precisely how you are feeling and why; then let them know what you need from them to rectify the situation.
• What about the other person? Just as your boundaries are important, the boundaries of others are just as important. Ensure that your conversations hold space for both of you so no one begins feeling defensive. Remember that compromise is all about considering both sides (this will be difficult for the people pleasers!). If you feel like you are always the one conceding, it may be time to revisit the first point listed above.
• What are your values? Another point to consider is what your values are that guide your decision-making. How much do you value honesty? Is it more important to be loyal or truthful? These values will serve well as guides for your boundaries. Time to revisit your core values can help you better understand where your boundary limits should lie. For instance, if one of your core values is honesty, it will be essential to communicate your expectations of truthfulness to others - this is boundary-setting!
• Be clear and direct. Avoid using soft or indirect language, like “kind of,” “maybe,” or “if it’s okay with you.” Instead, be clear on what you are saying and explain your need or want with confidence. It is also essential to use specificity in your language to avoid confusion. For instance, instead of saying, “I can’t make it tonight, maybe some other time,” say, “I have other commitments tonight, so could we get together next Tuesday?”. Or, if you have no intention of getting together with the person, try saying, “This isn’t something I am interested in. Thank you for the offer”.
• Timing is essential. If you are talking about boundaries, chances are you are having a meaningful conversation, which should be given the time and space it deserves. Choosing a time when both can be present, attentive, and calm is vital for setting the appropriate tone. This does not mean putting the conversation off out of avoidance – you will most likely feel irritable until you can express your needs, which can impair the relationship further.
Boundaries are important and can be set with kindness – you do not need to choose one over the other. You deserve to have a relationship built on mutual respect, as do the important people in your life. So, to all the empaths struggling to establish boundaries, remember: someone’s temporary happiness is not worth a lifetime of misery. Be confident, stay kind, and find balance.
