Walking the Middle Path – Thinking and Acting Dialectically
It is a response I often receive from clients when we first meet, “I want to make improvements in my life, but I just can’t get myself to start doing what I need to do to get there”. And for them, I always have the same response: “Can we change the word but to and, and try that response again?”
Ah, the dialectical “and”; for a three-letter word, it is a powerful one! It is the reason I fell in love with dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), as it allows room for both our desire for change and acceptance of the obstacles that are currently making it difficult to get there. So often we live in the black and white space where we can either accept or change our situation. This is where the invalidating “but” lives and thrives. Like in the client's response above, the word “but” provides a chance to voice our desires only to tear them down and invalidate them completely. Now, let’s take that response and replace the “but” with “and”:
“I want to make improvements in my life, and I just can’t get myself to start doing what I need to do to get there”.
See? Power in just three letters. With the replacement of just one word, there is now space for the individual to validate both their goals and the obstacles they are facing. Acknowledging that our current thoughts, feelings, and actions might make sense, and there is also room to embrace change as well.
The invalidating but also shows up in our relationships with others. Let’s consider how replacing “but” with “and” changes the following responses from/to a partner:
“I care about your feelings, but you really hurt me this time.”
“I care about your feelings, and you really hurt me this time.”
“I know that this is important to you, but ______ is important to me.”
“I know this is important to you, and _____ is important to me.”
“I love you, but I feel angry when you….”
“I love you, and I feel angry when you ….”
As you may notice, the responses that use the dialectical “and” hold more space for both partners in the situation. It allows one partner to validate the experience of a loved one without diminishing it with the addition of their own needs. It doesn’t need to be one over the other.
In relationships, remember that validation means finding that kernel of truth in the other’s perspective or situation - It doesn’t mean we have to agree with their whole perspective. No one person holds the ultimate truth in a situation!
Walking the middle path helps us get out of the habit of black-and-white thinking. If you notice yourself using extreme words like, “always, never, should”, take a step back and see if there is another more dialectical way to phrase your experience. “Both-and” thinking can help improve our relationship with our own self, as well as the relationships we have with others.
