Wise Mind: Finding Balance Between What We Know and What We Feel
How many times have you been able to reasonably understand why certain actions should be avoided, yet somehow find yourself engaging in them over and over again? I feel you! For me its understanding that there are alternative ways to enjoy sweets with my tea (i.e.: dates, fruit, raisins, etc.) and still reaching for the ginger snap cookies…why? Because they are so beautifully delicious and a great source of comfort! While I understand there are healthier alternatives for my snack choices, emotionally, I am not invested in those choices, which makes it difficult to change my behaviour – welcome to emotional mind!
What is emotional mind? Great question. It is one of three states of mind that we find ourselves in at any given time. These three states are called:
• Reasonable Mind (aka. Rational Mind)
• Emotional Mind
• Wise Mind
In order to more clearly describe each state of mind, let’s use my infatuation with cookies (*sigh*…cookies…).
Let’s start with reasonable mind. This is the state of mind that looks objectively at what we know about a certain subject. It observes the subject as if from behind a video recording device, looking simply at facts. It is completely void of subjective influences. In my decision-making between healthier alternatives and ginger snap cookies, reasonable mind would sound something like this:
- “These ginger snap cookies contain lots of refined sugar and carbohydrates”
- “Eating too many of these cookies often leads to stomach aches”
- “There is sweetness in the alternative choices that will help cut the craving for sugar”
- “In these alternatives, there are no refined sugars”
Pretty reasonable if I do say so myself. So, why is it so hard for me to make a different choice? Well, because we don’t live solely in reasonable mind. Let’s take a look at emotional mind. Unlike its objective counterpart, emotional mind is all about the subjective experience. Emotional mind is only concerned about the feelings we have toward a certain subject and does not care for reason. Given the same cookie example, emotional mind sounds like:
- “Ginger snap cookies are your favourite”
- “Mom use to always serve these cookies with tea after dinner – they remind you of her”
- “The flavour of ginger snap cookies is so delicious”
- “These cookies feel so comforting after a day of hard work”
- “Dates and raisins are fine – they aren’t as comforting as the cookies”
Now we can begin to see the inner conflict! There is more going on in our decision making than simply reasoning with facts. For many, changing behaviour and forming new habits is tough because emotionally we are still invested in our past behaviour. While there may be a day that I find the same comfort in dates, fruit, and raisins, today does not have this emotional experience to rely on. But wait, we have one more state of mind to meet – wise mind.
Wise mind is the beautiful balance between reasonable and emotional mind. In this state of mind, we can consider both what we know to be true, and what we feel deeply. By considering both our reason and emotion, we are able to make decisions that makes sense for us; in other words, we are able to accept and validate our feelings in emotional mind while acknowledging the facts held in reasonable mind (how very DBT!). In the case of my snack decision-making, wise mind would sound like this:
- “I know the ginger snap cookies are not the healthy option when compared to dates, fruits, or raisins; and, I feel comforted when I choose ginger snap cookies. Considering both of these things, I will choose to eat dates tonight and save my ginger snap cookies for when I get to share them with my mom next weekend.”
When we are able to access wise mind, we are able to make decisions that make sense for us. There will be times when ginger snap cookies will make the most sense and times when they won’t. The important thing to remember is using wise mind to make the best decision in the moment.
